And we're back!

Posted by Tasha

Tigritza and I just got back from a close friend's wedding in England. And before that we had a short vacation in the Bahamas and between all this school work and 'real' work has been keeping us busy enough to not do any wedding planning. On a brighter note, in England, two nights before our friend's wedding, we went to a proper British pub. The combination of the alcohol and the excitement for G and P's wedding got us very excited and talking about our own wedding. Pictures in our mind are coming together to make the most beautiful and unconventional wedding yet. We are planning a big party. We even have some color ideas brewing... thinking about some bright orange and yellows. Fun fact: searching for "orange umbrella" on ebay alone returns with 199 results! Of course I look up umbrellas as I'm afraid of the rain for our April wedding! (Kenzie-editedblog-337.jpg) ... I'm convincing myself rain won't be so bad

(Image from here)

Because time has been a limited commodity, we haven't documented some important events. Most importantly, President Obama has made a historic declaration: The Department of Justice should no longer defend DOMA in further cases as it is unconstitutional. I think Tigritza will explain this further in the next post. To say we are extremely happy about this still seems like an understatement.

On our flight back from England, Tigritza and I stood in the same immigration line for non-US citizens although we typically separate and I zoom through immigration along with other US citizens. It is silly of course that we never stood in the same line but the fact that we were allowed to do that hadn't even crossed my mind. It was like a small revolution in my mind - our kids will never be separated from either of us in those lines.

Anyway, we're back and ready to start seriously looking for venues!

Wedding Planning for Dummies

Posted by Tigritza

Step One: Acknowledge that wedding planning must begin.

Step Two: Get a wedding planning book!

...so, on one very cold Sunday in Philadelphia, off we went to the Barnes and Noble wedding aisle! Not surprisingly, this was the first book that caught Tasha's eye:

...I mean, one GIANT wedding checklist?! --Tasha was in checklist heaven. She stared at it for three minutes, leafed through it for another ten minutes, and then finally tapped me on the shoulder and held it up with a gleeful "victory!!" smile on her face.

I nodded. "That's great, honey."

She nodded, and smiled even wider! (Alright, as much as this wedding planning thing scares me, it's super cute how excited she gets when you let her run free in wedding-planning-mode.)

"We need more books. Look for more books."

By the time we were done with the wedding aisle, our hands were full of books. Wedding planners, wedding organizers, wedding checklists, how-to guides, do-it-yourself guides, wedding-on-a-budget books (are there weddings that are not on a budget?), the works. We lugged about 20 books over to a table, bought some coffee and got to work.

But very quickly, our enthusiasm hit somewhat of a brick wall. What, for example, would you expect to find in a book like this?

a.k.a. The Pink Wedding Nightmare

(80% of books in the wedding aisle)

Pink and white. The perfect, traditional wedding - the best day "of our life". The bride and the groom, the three bridesmaids and three groomsmen, the father walking the bride down the aisle and no room for even a different religion, let alone a blend of two cultures or two brides. A super-detailed approach to a super-standard wedding. It's kind of sad, because for the first time, I felt like there was a huge club of brides, and I was left out. Yeah, I wanted to be part of the club. I wanted a section that applied to me. I didn't want to buy a book with constant reminders that my wedding didn't fit the traditional mould, or with sections that I would have to disregard (for example "The Groom Pages - make sure you tear these pages out and hand them to Your Man!"). How can 80% of books in the wedding aisle be some variation of this cookie-cutter nonsense that probably "fits" less than 30% of the brides in Philadelphia?

I'm sorry - do I sound a little bitter? Okay, okay, I'll stop.

We decided to look at something more general. A book with some basic principles, that could be applied to any wedding. Cue the Simple Stunning Wedding Organizer:

a.k.a. Weddings Made Easy - A Little Too Easy

(10% of books in the wedding aisle)

Choosing A Photographer in three steps. Creating A Menu in seven steps. Six items on the picking-a-dress list. Oh, and the "how to plan your honeymoon" checklist in the back.

Hm. In a way, this was worse than the uber-standardized super-detailed pink book. They want me to pay $32.59 for this?? Anyway, let's address the elephant in the room here - we're gay. Aren't there any gay wedding books?

a.k.a. How To Be Gay: It's Hard But Okay.

(3% of books in the wedding aisle)

Unfortunately, these books were also kind of a failure for us. They basically amounted to the following:

1. It's Okay To Be Gay: chapters devoted to convincing the reader that gay people can get married, and it does happen. I'm confused. Isn't the reader already engaged, or at the very least already interested in getting married? Why is there so much convincing?

2. Being Gay Is Tough:

- How to tell your family, and how to be okay with Aunt Sally or Uncle Jim rejecting you (I feel like this should be pretty personal and not easily explained in a how-to guide, because there are so many different kinds of families!)

- How to be okay with some vendors turning you down because you're gay (okay, I get it, it can be depressing. Any actual advice?)

- How to create your own wedding ....well, more like an affirmation that "it's okay to have a non-traditional wedding" - which is nice to hear, but not too useful.

3. Gay People Turn Out Okay: Success stories of gay people being happy that they got married.

Hm. We don't really need a counseling session on how it's okay to be gay. Can't we just find some advice on how to create things that are a little..."different"? - Cue the Do-It-Yourself books!

a.k.a. How To Have Fun And Add A Personal Touch

(7% of books in wedding aisle)

Now this was more like it! 40 fun little projects. We got so many ideas! And I started to actually get pretty pumped about the wedding. How to make a canopy, cute Save-The-Date cards, name cards for the reception, wedding favors to give the guests - really fun stuff. And, thank goodness, none of it was "traditional" persay and none of it was ridiculous. Winner!

...And we also settled on purchasing a larger version of Tasha's "Bride Book Of Lists" books - with really detailed advice on picking a photographer, venue, caterer, music, rings, hair salon, wedding dress, groom's tux (yep, that part is a little useless, but oh well! the rest is awesome!) - when to start looking, what to look out for, what questions to ask, what to consider and how to put it all together. This binder/book seems pretty perfect - for us, at least. It's a little traditional, but very flexible, and most of all, it makes it look fun without making it look crazy. Can't wait to get started!

The one we chose!

Housewives and Partners, Mothers and Parents

Posted by Tigritza

If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, the way to this woman's heart seems to be through her partner.

And the "Partners Club" at Penn's business school (which I sometimes call the "Housewives Club" - just to tease Tasha, of course) figured that out this month with an interesting marketing strategy:

A handwritten postcard, just for Tasha! With no mention of even my name! Just to welcome her to Penn, even though we haven't even said Yes to them yet. It made her so happy and got her so excited!...which in turn made me really happy with Penn. They said they were excited to meet her and would love to have her, and the whole script was 100% gender-neutral. Admittedly, it's probably a semi-prepared script that's written specifically so that it can be used for Boys and Girls both, but still, it managed to reinforce in my mind that Penn's the place to be. Every day, I feel better and better about choosing Penn, and safer and happier about choosing Penn for us.

There's a "Welcome Weekend" coming up, and my business school's LGBT group is taking Tasha and me out to show us the gay scene, introduce us around and welcome us. "Sure, what's the big deal?", you may ask. "They want D-i-v-e-r-s-i-t-y, and you're it."

But if anything, the MBA application process has only highlighted for me how different Penn seems to be from other top-notch East-Coast universities.

Just for example - when I applied to Penn's program, I came across this page in the application:

But four other top-ten schools had a version of this page:

(If you didn't notice the difference between the two, please, never stop reading this blog!)

From my "newly engaged and gay" perspective, the difference is startling. I can't believe I didn't notice things like this five years ago - now they all but burn a hole through my head. How can universities - Graduate schools, even - actively recruit LGBT couples, but force a "father" and "mother" response on their business school application? When Tasha and I have kids, what are our kids going to fill out in a form like this? Which boxes will our names go in? Will one of us be forced into the "father" box? Or is one of us supposed to be excluded from the form?

When I told someone about this a few months ago, she replied: "But your children won't have two mothers. They'll have one REAL mother, and one REAL father. Right? I mean one of you won't really be the mother." Hurtful? Yep. Disheartening? You bet. And that's what all these other top-notch universities are saying to the 'Diversity' candidates they're trying to recruit.

Really? It's 2011. Thanks, Penn, for recognizing us - I can't wait to start my MBA with you. I guess a little respect - and recognition - sure goes a long way.

Oh, internet! How you consume me!

Posted by Tasha

It's a snow day! And I have a list of things to do (nothing new) and I got in bed with my work computer and my play computer and without intending to... I clicked on some targeted ad (from Facebook of all places!) and started looking at wedding dresses.

In the hours of my 'research', I realized that having a wedding that strays even slightly from the norm, is really hard to organize IF you can't picture it.

The first task really is to picture the wedding. Unfortunately, that's where I'm having lots of trouble. A Hindu-Jewish-Russian-Indian Lesbian wedding isn't something I can muster up an image for with the snap of my fingers. So I set out to search the abyss of the internet to get some ideas... But I could look for days, and weeks, and months, and still not really come to anything solid. Still, slowly with some pictures (many pasted below), picking bits and pieces of the internet, and most importantly talking to Tigritza, images come to mind.

Try to follow my wild stream of consciousness -

<-- Possible wedding dress style?

I found this on www.ideeli.com by Nicole Miller: the "Strapless Flowy Gown." (Could she get any more vague?) ...I think this would look really nice next to Tigritza's sari because of the one-shoulder strap and the knots in the middle. But it doesn't look regal enough - it's too long and simple; kinda like a fancy nightgown. And I'm thinking about adding some red or gold to my white dress...

...I like the idea of using some of Tigritza's sari material as a ribbon on my dress (image from http://bridestea.com/?p=1170)

I have been looking at blogs and random sites non-stop today. I find this couple really cute! There are tons of blogs about interracial or multi-cultural couples and I think those are really the most beautiful. I get so excited about the different traditions we can take from Judaism and Hinduism. Blending the two in a ceremony symbolizes the joining of our families, cultures, and backgrounds. Neither of us are religious but the traditions matter.

Another time-consuming endeavor: I started looking at bridesmaids dresses. Ideally I want the bridesmaids to wear something out of the ordinary that has origins from both cultures. This sari/dress mix is pretty damn cool - I actually like the first of the two dresses better but I like the blended style in the latter. Colors are a-whole-nother conversation. Shorter dresses for bridesmaids would probably be more fitting too.

Anyway, I spent toooo much time looking at some other styles of bridesmaid dresses: Seriously Tasha have you lost your mind? Yes I have. The first 5 dresses on the page are ugly at first but what attracted me to them was the style - it's really an Indo-Western blend! Still maybe they are better fit for a traveling circus...

In all the wedding guides or lists of things to do first, second, and third, the absolute first is securing a venue. Of course we have been putting this off but today I started looking (and quickly quit because it's harder than I thought). I'm picturing an almost gothic cathedral (minus the religious affiliation) - Philly actually has some very old and beautiful buildings, like our University's libraries and museums. I'm essentially imagining a castle with a beautiful lawn and a balcony in the middle of a city - don't I have a great imagination?

Then I looked at wedding toppers, you know the ones that go on top of a cake: this sari topper is the closest thing I found to half of something I'd use -- and I don't like it at all! But I found some sites that would do personalized wedding toppers for about a million dollars... Don't think we really care about wedding cake toppers too much but it popped up somewhere in my google search and I went with it.

The moral of the story regarding today's search: I couldn't even find something Indian-American (forget about Indian-Russian) and triple-ly forget about adding the gay thing in there! Wedding planning for even a slightly 'different' wedding is actually pretty damn hard - although I found some cool alternative sites: http://offbeatbride.com/ which gave me some ideas I never had like - crazy cake vs typical cake (I know, there are enough atypical things about our wedding - why add to the chaos right?)

Anyway, it's been a long day of procrastinating and thinking about the wedding... at the end I just want a really beautiful big party! (Don't we all...)

Family

Posted by Tasha

Yesterday I met up with my cousin, Vlad, who I haven't seen in years and it was awesome! We had a couple drinks and caught up - there was a lot of catching up to do! I told him how I met Tigritza almost 4 years ago and how we're going to get married in a bit over 1 year. We talked about how awesome college was and how 'real-life' isn't nearly as fun. I can't remember when I saw him last - maybe 5 years? Anyway it was great.

I told him how our grandmother (Babushka A - my Mom's side) doesn't know that I'm gay (needless to say, she doesn't know that I'm engaged to my 'friend' Tigritza- who, by the way, she suggested would be a perfect match for my brother) Well at least we know she likes Tigritza... would make a good bride for my brother, so we can only assume - a good bride for me. My Babushka is very feisty. She is in constant arguments with her two children (my Mom and Vlad's Dad) because of her short temper and her tendencies of exaggerating her poor health. Understandably both my Mom and my Uncle tend to get very annoyed with her 'scenes' that she plays very well. So I tend to be really nice to her since she needs some tenderness (and I don't need to talk to her very often so I can be nice!) And as I found out, Vlad feels similarly. We talked a bit about whether or not I should tell Babushka that I'm marrying Tigritza especially since it feels like she deserves to be at her first grandchild's wedding. And I'm her only grand-daughter... My biggest concern is upsetting her and I honestly cannot gauge what kind of reaction I would get from her. I almost feel like she wouldn't get it. I'm afraid she won't be able to see that I'm really in love and that I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. She doesn't seem like a person who understands love or marrying for love - she almost comes across as a person who would marry for convenience or to please the public's opinion. She's tried to set me up with many boys and she never fails to bring up the fact that I'm almost 24 ("which is old for a single woman - I don't want to be an old maid, now do I?") ...

To broaden the scope of this problem, let me expand on the circumstances. My grandparents on my Dad's side know I'm with Tigritza and they are not pleased... I can see they nag my father about raising 'such a daughter - a lesbian ...' And I can see how they look at me - not sure if it's pity or disgust but to say the least, it makes me not want that kind of glance on my wedding day. Out of respect for my Dad I feel it is right to invite them to my wedding. I don't want to ever see that look on Babushka A's face. It would make me nervously laugh and say "JUST JOKING!" and pretend I never told her. My solution to this problem has been to just ignore it (not very effective, I know). Interestingly, my conversation with Vlad made me want to tell Babushka A - he said "I'd want her at my wedding and it's not fair that just because you're gay, you have to think about it." True, but I hate that she is very easily made upset and disappointed and like a child she can say "Fine, I won't be your friend," on the other hand, like a child I can bribe her with candy and other, more metaphorical, sweets - possibly coercing her into loving me and accepting my relationship. Still I know she'll say to my Mom "How can you let her...?" Just as she does when my Mom "lets me" travel or drive or come home late, etc. Although I'm old enough to be an old maid, I'm not old enough to make decisions.

And again, to make this more complicated (I did after all title this post "Family") there are so many extended family members who I would most likely invite to a straight wedding even though I don't know them very well just because my parents call them on their birthdays or on New Year's day to 'maintain' relationships. Marrying a woman makes this a bit more complicated.

What really makes me reconsider shutting out family for fear of disapproval is my children's future. Tigritza and I want our kids to have extended family. In part this is why meeting with Vlad made me so happy - I want his kids to play with mine. And if I don't give my extended family the chance of being a part of my life, I only have myself to blame when I feel 'left out'.

And ultimately, I'm not trying to hide my relationship from anyone, I just don't want people to feel sorry for my parents. After all - regardless of how liberal New York is, this is my Russian-Jewish family we're talking about and there's lots of Jewish guilt to be distributed.

I don't have a solution to all my concerns but it will definitely come up many times in our planning and in our lives. We will accept family that is happy for us - happy that we found love and happy that we are really happy. Regardless of who is on board with us, we know we have our immediate family - our parents and our siblings (who love us unconditionally, and it makes us so happy)- and soon enough we'll have our own family with little feet running around. I can't wait.