Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Best People

Posted by Tigritza

At a Saturday wedding reception in Bristol, England in March this year, a young English chap and I privately made a toast to each other: the best man and the maid of honor. "To the...Best People!" I said as our glasses clinked, after a smooth and perfectly executed marriage ceremony (whew).

What made the two of us so special? Not much. True, he wore an impressive three-piece country-style suit that almost perfectly matched the groom's. And I wore the same purple dress as the other three bridesmaids, but was allowed to distinguish myself with white shoes instead of black. He'd been responsible for carrying the wedding rings safely until the final moment, and for making one of those funny-but-charming toasts at the reception. I'd been responsible for running around to get last-minute chores done with the bride in the days leading up to the wedding, and for reading one of those touches-your-heart-and-makes-you-cry poems out loud at the ceremony. But really, we were just the bride and groom's best friends. He'd known the groom for years, and I'd grown up with the bride.

It's not just the best man and the maid of honor. A traditional Western wedding will also include bridesmaids and groomsdudes (as my sister calls them) in the 'best people' wedding party. And as much as Tasha and I consider our wedding to be 'unconventional' in some senses, we know we want a wedding party - a group of people who stand with us as we promise each other the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, as soon as one starts planning a wedding, it's impossible to avoid the question - who will the 'best people' be? And which two will be 'more important' than anyone else? I'll admit it, I've been guilty of it myself. One of my best friends, Belle, just got engaged - and we've already brought up the maid-of-honor issue in our little group of close friends (albeit in jest).

(image from here)

Tasha and I are fortunate enough to have a plethora of people that we consider close friends (all of you reading this, we're talking about you!). We've each grown up in many different locations, and have had to form a new circle of friends in each one. As a result, we have many important people in our lives. So how can we justify the pressure to pick just two - or even just eight - to stand with us on the big day?

I've heard of many different choosing 'algorithms'. Choose your family: sibling, or cousin, or even parent. Choose your high school best friend, or your college best friend, or your current best friend. Choose the person you've known longest. Choose the person you grew up with. Choose the person who introduced you both, because they're responsible for your relationship. Choose your closest friend who lives next to you, so they can help plan the wedding with you. Choose your ex, because they had the good sense to break up with you (just kidding about that last one).

We decided to condense all that into one simple question: for each of us, who was the person who most supported us - and basically built our relationship with us? Someone without whom, truthfully, we may not have ended up here together? Who was the person who was there from the beginning, heard our "oh-my-god-I-met-someone!!" story the night after we first met at Penn, counseled us during every fight, celebrated every anniversary, gave us peace of mind when we couldn't stand each other, and inspired us to be better, to be braver, to try harder, and to love stronger? Who made that kind of impact on the couple we are today? Basically, who took us both, together, from zero to this altar?

Maybe if we each answered that question, we'd get the first two people in the wedding party. The ones who hold the rings or take the flowers or read the poem. But overall, who would be in the larger wedding party?

(1.) Of course, some of the first people that come to mind are high school best friends: from the pre-Tasha era. When I talk about "growing up" with someone, this is who I mean. Sure, maybe they didn't know me when I was 6 or 7. But they knew me best when I was 12 - 18. When I went from being a little girl with schoolboy crushes and secret notes to being a woman with dreams and a college acceptance letter. Yep, they even saw me through that awkward adolescent stage (*shudder*). My best friend from my time in Oman (age 12-16) was the bride at the Bristol wedding I mentioned. My best friends from my time in Dubai (16-18) have also had a huge impact on every aspect of my life. These are still the first people I rush to share good news with. Tasha has at least two best friends that fall into this category too.

(2.) And then, there are newer friends. The after-we-met people, who met us as a couple (or barely before), and never knew Tasha or me without each other. Sure, maybe you could call them late-to-the-party, but maybe they're no less significant ...and besides, everyone we meet for the rest of our lives will hopefully fall into this category. So yes, we've met some lifelong friends who happened to be late-to-the-party.

(3.) And most importantly, there is family. Tasha and I both have siblings. I have an incredible sister - a role model in almost every way - who had her own wedding in 2009. Tasha has a wonderful brother - nine years her senior, and so cool that I'd consider marrying him if Tasha weren't around (just kidding Tasha). They transcend time periods: pre-Tasha, post-Tasha, during-Tasha ...we haven't even known a time without them.


Can't we have them all? Well, not unless we plan on making half the room stand up with us. So maybe in addition to the first two, Tasha and I should each symbolically stand with one person from each time period, to represent the different stages of our lives: (1) Older, (2) Newer and (3) Always?

But that means - do I just get to pick one high school friend? They're all still in my life - 'high school friend' is a misnomer. And just one post-Tasha friend? What about the others who were no less important? Not to mention gender - how do outfits work? Do we have an even number of guys and girls (or would that be both hypocritical and unfair)?

This much we know: at the end of the day, we know it doesn't matter. After all, a wedding is just a party - whoever the so-called Best People end up being, it couldn't possibly diminish the significance of all our relationships, whether or not they're standing up with us for half an hour. Maybe we should just throw all the names from (1) and (2) into a hat and leave it to chance!