One Month

Posted by Tasha

One month ago, today, we had the most beautiful wedding I could have ever dreamed of. Since then we have shared the most intimate kisses either of us have ever known.

Just when you think it can’t get any better, it does.

It’s been a busy month. We finished our finals after the wedding. The semester during which we were most busy planning and preparing, amazingly produced good grades. Tigritza’s parents still haven’t left for home in India and we flew to CA to spend almost a week a with them and my now sister-in-law and her husband. It was an awesome mini-vacation.

Because of the busy, but oh-so-eventful weeks before the wedding, we didn’t blog, but we really feel like we need to fill in our readers about the excitement leading up to the wedding.  It will most likely be out of order, but eventually lots of stories and photos and reminiscing will be had.

Just wanted to quickly post – we couldn’t be happier. Happy one month anniversary! 

Our 4th of July - The Red and The Gold

Posted by Tasha

Only a month left to our engagement half way mark... 220 days have elapsed since she said "yes" and only 278 days until she says "I do" Ah! This is where the planning gets serious!

Our biggest accomplishment in these 220 days has been finalizing our venue... drum roll... the art gallery! It was the first of the two options we described and we could not have made this decision without your input! Thank you!!! We talked to the Managing Director of the venue, CT, and he is exactly the person we need to refocus us into the planning path! He told us our priorities now are food and photographers before everyone gets booked!

We discussed our options for food in a million different ways and maybe that warrants its own post (stay tuned); yet we still have not come to any conclusions there. In fact we talked about almost every aspect of the wedding day and suggested a dozen options for every element of the day, and again few conclusions are set. But hey, we have another 278 days to really get things straight (or gay).

Besides the venue, we have only one other thing finalized (as of yesterday). Tigritza and I are in India spending some time with her family - the perfect opportunity to get all the Indian trimmings! Last night we spent a few hours in the gold district of Kolkata and finally found THE wedding jewelry for my bride! After rejecting hundreds of gold necklaces of different styles, shapes, designs, and patterns, we came to a very unusual necklace with some fiery colors. This was it. In good Tigritza-Tasha custom, we kept it aside and continued to look until we knew nothing compared. It is delicate and grand and intricate and asymmetrical (like Tigritza's ring) and it's the wedding jewelry! With the necklace we got earrings which perfectly match and we got a tikka (or what I called a tickleee - which is a gold chain with a pendant at the end worn parting the hair in the middle with the pendant at the top of the forehead). Next she had to finalize her sari!

Before I arrived in India, Tigritza and her parents went sari shopping and found two beautiful bridal saris (in two different stores, one in Kolkata and one in Mumbai) after hours and even days of searching through red saris. And since they couldn't decide which of the two was right, they got both! After coming home last night from the jewelry adventure, Tigritza had to make a very exciting choice! She tried on each sari with the jewelry and had her parents and I pick the best one. I was very hesitant seeing her in the wedding get-up, but she assured me that she wouldn't get completely dressed - she still doesn't have the blouse-piece made (the little shirt worn under the 9 yards of sari material) and the pleats (or folds) wouldn't be done perfectly, etc. Regardless, she put on option A, the Mumbai sari, and it was beautiful - rich red with a uniform gold pattern and very thick gold pallu (the end piece that hangs over the shoulder). Then option B. The Kolkata sari. It was breathtaking. Bright red sari, swirls of gold all over, pleats covered in a different - more concentrated pattern of gold, pallu delicately sprinkled with gold. Absolutely majestic. I jumped up and ran away! Tigritza's Dad said "What's wrong!?" And all I could say was "That's my bride, wearing her bridal sari! I can't keep looking at her! This is it!!!" And after a big hug from Papa I ran to another room while the aaahhhs and ooohhhs continued.

So there you have it. Tigritza covered in red and gold. No photos since I'd be looking at them all day and that's no good. Tomorrow we'll go shopping for some little random Indian decorative things that might be nice for the wedding!

As always... more to come!

The Best People

Posted by Tigritza

At a Saturday wedding reception in Bristol, England in March this year, a young English chap and I privately made a toast to each other: the best man and the maid of honor. "To the...Best People!" I said as our glasses clinked, after a smooth and perfectly executed marriage ceremony (whew).

What made the two of us so special? Not much. True, he wore an impressive three-piece country-style suit that almost perfectly matched the groom's. And I wore the same purple dress as the other three bridesmaids, but was allowed to distinguish myself with white shoes instead of black. He'd been responsible for carrying the wedding rings safely until the final moment, and for making one of those funny-but-charming toasts at the reception. I'd been responsible for running around to get last-minute chores done with the bride in the days leading up to the wedding, and for reading one of those touches-your-heart-and-makes-you-cry poems out loud at the ceremony. But really, we were just the bride and groom's best friends. He'd known the groom for years, and I'd grown up with the bride.

It's not just the best man and the maid of honor. A traditional Western wedding will also include bridesmaids and groomsdudes (as my sister calls them) in the 'best people' wedding party. And as much as Tasha and I consider our wedding to be 'unconventional' in some senses, we know we want a wedding party - a group of people who stand with us as we promise each other the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, as soon as one starts planning a wedding, it's impossible to avoid the question - who will the 'best people' be? And which two will be 'more important' than anyone else? I'll admit it, I've been guilty of it myself. One of my best friends, Belle, just got engaged - and we've already brought up the maid-of-honor issue in our little group of close friends (albeit in jest).

(image from here)

Tasha and I are fortunate enough to have a plethora of people that we consider close friends (all of you reading this, we're talking about you!). We've each grown up in many different locations, and have had to form a new circle of friends in each one. As a result, we have many important people in our lives. So how can we justify the pressure to pick just two - or even just eight - to stand with us on the big day?

I've heard of many different choosing 'algorithms'. Choose your family: sibling, or cousin, or even parent. Choose your high school best friend, or your college best friend, or your current best friend. Choose the person you've known longest. Choose the person you grew up with. Choose the person who introduced you both, because they're responsible for your relationship. Choose your closest friend who lives next to you, so they can help plan the wedding with you. Choose your ex, because they had the good sense to break up with you (just kidding about that last one).

We decided to condense all that into one simple question: for each of us, who was the person who most supported us - and basically built our relationship with us? Someone without whom, truthfully, we may not have ended up here together? Who was the person who was there from the beginning, heard our "oh-my-god-I-met-someone!!" story the night after we first met at Penn, counseled us during every fight, celebrated every anniversary, gave us peace of mind when we couldn't stand each other, and inspired us to be better, to be braver, to try harder, and to love stronger? Who made that kind of impact on the couple we are today? Basically, who took us both, together, from zero to this altar?

Maybe if we each answered that question, we'd get the first two people in the wedding party. The ones who hold the rings or take the flowers or read the poem. But overall, who would be in the larger wedding party?

(1.) Of course, some of the first people that come to mind are high school best friends: from the pre-Tasha era. When I talk about "growing up" with someone, this is who I mean. Sure, maybe they didn't know me when I was 6 or 7. But they knew me best when I was 12 - 18. When I went from being a little girl with schoolboy crushes and secret notes to being a woman with dreams and a college acceptance letter. Yep, they even saw me through that awkward adolescent stage (*shudder*). My best friend from my time in Oman (age 12-16) was the bride at the Bristol wedding I mentioned. My best friends from my time in Dubai (16-18) have also had a huge impact on every aspect of my life. These are still the first people I rush to share good news with. Tasha has at least two best friends that fall into this category too.

(2.) And then, there are newer friends. The after-we-met people, who met us as a couple (or barely before), and never knew Tasha or me without each other. Sure, maybe you could call them late-to-the-party, but maybe they're no less significant ...and besides, everyone we meet for the rest of our lives will hopefully fall into this category. So yes, we've met some lifelong friends who happened to be late-to-the-party.

(3.) And most importantly, there is family. Tasha and I both have siblings. I have an incredible sister - a role model in almost every way - who had her own wedding in 2009. Tasha has a wonderful brother - nine years her senior, and so cool that I'd consider marrying him if Tasha weren't around (just kidding Tasha). They transcend time periods: pre-Tasha, post-Tasha, during-Tasha ...we haven't even known a time without them.

Can't we have them all? Well, not unless we plan on making half the room stand up with us. So maybe in addition to the first two, Tasha and I should each symbolically stand with one person from each time period, to represent the different stages of our lives: (1) Older, (2) Newer and (3) Always?

But that means - do I just get to pick one high school friend? They're all still in my life - 'high school friend' is a misnomer. And just one post-Tasha friend? What about the others who were no less important? Not to mention gender - how do outfits work? Do we have an even number of guys and girls (or would that be both hypocritical and unfair)?

This much we know: at the end of the day, we know it doesn't matter. After all, a wedding is just a party - whoever the so-called Best People end up being, it couldn't possibly diminish the significance of all our relationships, whether or not they're standing up with us for half an hour. Maybe we should just throw all the names from (1) and (2) into a hat and leave it to chance!

Wet Toes

Posted by Tigritza

So, Tasha's last post (posted yesterday - "And We're Back!") wasn't the first time she'd mentioned her fear of rain and wet feet on the wedding day. I guess you could say she's kind of a rainophobe. In fact, she's been bringing this up for quite a while - ever since we first even thought about the possibility of getting married.

I did a quick search for "wet toes" in my Gmail inbox, and came upon this goofy email chain from June 2009. 2009!! That was a year and a half ago! (Just over 2 years into our relationship.) It was probably the first time we'd thought seriously about possibly getting married one day in the very distant future, and we'd brought up the idea of getting married on an April 13th (which is the day we first met in 2007, on a Friday.) Immediately following that conversation, Tasha had no doubt begun worrying about the possibility of rain. And the following string of emails ensued...enjoy!

It's funny how this random conversation of all these hypothetical issues has materialized into the same actual issues that we're legitimately worrying about now - not much has changed!

Email chain on June 24, 2009. Subject: wedding planner.

Tasha at 2:55pm:
There is a "wedding planner" tab at the weather.com site... So I looked at April 13th __ average high is 59 F and average low is 38 F... I dont want a cold weathered wedding... I want it to be 75ish!

What do you think grasshopper?

~Tasha

Tigritza at 2:59pm:
I am confused, which year did you look at? I am confused. Would we potentially be getting married in 2012? That is a Friday. 2013 is a Sunday...what did we decide???

Tasha at 3:01pm:
silly! I looked at average temp over the years!
It wont change much ... not sure what year we are getting married tiger!

Tigritza at 3:02pm:
cmon what do you mean you're not sure!! we thought about this!! Cmonnnnn

i think 2012 because:
then the people who dont care wont come = smaller wedding
venue etc will be cheaper than a weekend wedding
it's friday the 13th! = cool

on the other hand, we would have to give people lots of notice to ensure that they take a day off work :)

Tasha at 3:05pm:
baby... im not talking about the year here! hmph
Yes, I think 2012 is much better... and of course we can give good notice... we will be planning this quite a bit in advance!

But my email's purpose was to alarm you of the cold weather!

COLD is not my thing! :(

what are your thoughts about the WEATHER!?

Tigritza at 3:11pm:
I know your purpose but evidently we got sidetracked on a much more important issue.

Anyway, I am sure you looked at the weather in Rockland in 2012 (ok ok in April, whatever) and quite frankly I do not care about the weather in Rockland because we are not getting married in Rockland.

Now I know you are thinking well it's going to be cold 100 miles from Rockland too! And to that I will say well are we getting married in NY? And then you will beat me up and say YES WE ARE and I'll say okay okay then in that case don't be so close-minded!

There are outdoor heaters that work wonderfully under a canopy (they trap in the heat sooo well) and bars use them on rooftops and stuff. And worst case we could have the wedding in like a gazebo that is heated from the inside.

Now go on google and look up what is a gazebo. Then tell me what do you think? :)

Tasha at 3:21pm:
Baby... the other thing that scares me... is this: the rain... you know how depressed I get when it rains... it ruins everything... and April is the month of RAIN.
it will ruin my hair and my dress and I'll have gooosebumps... I want it to be sunny and beautiful and warm and I like the idea of the gazebo/greenhouse thing but I want it to be WARM!
I want people to wear summery stuff

Also, if we have an outdoor wedding in April, we better have the Hindu fire thing set up! ... and a Jewish Hupa!

Also, we will have to take thursday off too (to prepare).
I'm really excited about thursday night -- the night before our wedding... i can't wait!

Tigritza at 3:24pm:
hahahahhaa
oh honey
planning ahead are we!

anyway stop worrying and complaining. you want to have a wedding anniversary in hot july every year, then just say the word! hmpf.

people dont think about the weather when picking wedding clothing. plus do we really have to do the jewish hindu stuff so extremely? i think it might be overkill. lets just think of a nice classy simple way to combine them - nothing too elaborate.

also, after thursday night, i dont think you have to worry about whether or not you'll have messy hair. i guarantee you it'll look pretty kooky after i'm done with you!

Tasha at 3:31pm:

oof
I dont want a wedding in july but early june would be nice... (I do really want an April 13th wedding... but it might SNOW! I just hate the cold!)

about clothing... are you serious!? I'm thinking about clothing right now! I might have to wear leggings under my dress! Do you want an extra layer of clothing to take off when we go home for the first time (as a married couple)!?
And hindu/judaism overkill might be too much yes. ok we will plan that in more detail later... (I dont really care about the hoopa but I do want some traditional jewish dancing... where they sit us on chairs and dance circles around us as some people hold the chairs up (do you know waht i'm talking about?)

and baby, im not worried about what you will do to my hair on Thursday night because early Friday morning I'm getting my hair done! Duh! :)

I LOVE YOU!!!!

Tigritza at 3:34pm:
i am SAYING that even the hairdressers will not know what to do with such a kooky mess!

Tasha at 3:36pm:
you are a kooky mess!

and you better not make me oversleep my hair appt!

Tigritza at 3:39pm:
anyway, we are not supposed to be together on the night before the wedding. i am not supposed to see you on the wedding day until the actual wedding!!!!

Tasha at 3:40pm:
o crap

so nothing the night before?
that's awful... where will i go? wont we be living together?

Tigritza at 3:44pm:
haha you volunteered to be the one to go! Yay

Tasha at 3:45pm:
hahhahahah

I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with you

Tasha, again, at 3:53pm:
Things I'm worried about:
- picking the perfect ring
- asking your parent's permission
- RAIN
- color of our bridesmaids dresses (sari or dress? ah!)
- color scheme of the decor
- the cake melting in the rain or freezing in the snow
- what my nails will look like (french manicur... but short enough)
- open toe shoes or closed toe?
- where are we going for our honey moon -- and when? leaving that weekend? (YES)
- bachlorette parties (i dont really want one... I have no friends)
- wedding vows... I have to write something witty and lovey? not my forte

... that's a bit of a list there... maybe I should worry about getting a job first

Tigritza at 4:03pm:
Okay, here are your answers little one:
- picking the perfect ring ---- Just dont make it too simple/boring. Ask JC for confirmation when you pick one.
- asking your parent's permission ---- don't be worried. I'm worried about your parents. They will laugh or shoot me.
- RAIN ----gazebo/canopy/greenhouse! it'd be scarier if it was June because then we wouldn't plan for any shelter from cold and if it rained then we'd be all out in the open and vulnerable
- color of our bridesmaids dresses (sari or dress? ah!) ---- maybe normal dresses or some sort of fusion style that isnt too elaborate, because then the two of us stand out?
- color scheme of the decor ---- please not red-and-white. we will be red-and-white (red sari and white dress), the rest of the wedding doesnt need to be. it's ok - we have friends with fashion sense and color-scheme sense.
- the cake melting in the rain or freezing in the snow ---- i am going to HIT you
- what my nails will look like (french manicur... but short enough) ---- manicurE yes. but yes short enough. i mean let's just get straight to the point - you're not going to be fooling anyone with long nails.
- open toe shoes or closed toe? ----open. duh!
- where are we going for our honey moon -- and when? leaving that weekend? (YES) ----yes that weekend. as long as it's not some beach honeymoon i'm happy.
- bachlorette parties (i dont really want one... I have no friends) ---- YES! you have friends you dumbo. the only problem is that friends overlap. LZ can attend your party maybe, but she cannot have a starring role.
- wedding vows... I have to write something witty and lovey? not my forte ---- aw man i hate cheesy shit like personalized vows.

Tasha at 4:39pm:
My responses to your answers::
-gimme JC's phone number :)
-why are you asking my parents' permission? I'm asking yours!!!
-yes yes gazebo/canopy... then we nee extra loud microphone since the rain will be so loud ... noone will hear anything!
-color of dresses? Just had an idea when you siad "maybe a fusion style"... MAGIC DRESS!
-color scheme of decor... definitely not red and white... how about light lavendar and yellow or light green or light orange (but def lavendar cuz of the flowers!)
-the cake freezing or melting in severe weather conditions - you didn't answer my problem
-manicurE - fine, problem solved
-open toe shoes.... what if my toes get wet - you know how I hate that...
-honeymoon gettaway - to be planned
-bachlorette parties... I dont know about this! I'll have MH plan mine! :) And CS!!!
-wedding vows- are you saying we wont have wedding vows? How will we say the I do part?
hmph

Tigritza at 4:46pm:
my comebacks to your responses:

-You want JC’s number? you're buying the ring NOW???
-well dont i have to ask your parents something or somebody has to run it by them at least!
-there is NOT going to be loud rain i mean for heavens sake for the LAST TIME enUFFF about this RAIN!
-color of dresses? ok but we'd have to really pin those magic dresses on good because i dont want one of them coming loose and stealing my thunder or getting my wife excited!
-yea maybe lavenDER would be nice...hmmm lets talk about it later not now i dont want to.
-ONCE AGAIN THERE IS NO MELTING OR FREEZING CAKE goodness enough about this nonsense! it will be the cake caterers job to protect the cake at all times and anticipate any conditions that might ruin the cake, that is what we are paying them for, if i wanted my wife to worry about that i would just pay her instead HMPF
-manicurE -okay then if the problem is solved WHY IS THIS STILL ON THE LIST
-if your toes get wet POOP on that! you will dress for the wedding pictures not for the weather! and enUP about this raiN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-honeymoon gettaway - yes the getaway must be planned *finger on nose* NOT ME!
-bachlorette parties... FUN! :)
-How will we say the I do part? ---- like this: "I DO. hmpf!"

Tasha at 4:56pm:
I have tears dripping down my face from all the laughing!!!!
my goodness... how do you keep a straight face at work? aren't you suppposed to be pretending to be busy?

double comebacks:

-Just gimme JC's number NOW!
-something has to run it by them!? what will that something be? o boy, another problem... but I believe the original one was how the hell will I ask your parents! (STILL WORRIED)
-no rain? Are you sure!? Are we still having a wedding in April because April is nick-named "the shower month" (and not cuz everyone showers, but because it RAINS!)
-yes pin it on good (what color tho!?) -- it's pretty hard to find a pretty magic dress!
-ok lets not talk about the lavenDER and color scheming
-so now I'm gettting money to worry about the cake? I'm confuzed... I dont want to be responsible! And how much are you insuring the cake for?
-manicurE - take this off the list... the problem is solved!
-I am not dressing for the pictures! I'm dressing for the event... maybe I should buy two pairs of shoes -- one for the rain and one for the sunshine? .... oh and what about snow?
-honeymoon gettaway NOT FAIR! We are planning this together! HMPH
-bachlorette parties... yes fun ok pine
-Tigritza, if you say "I DO HMPHFFF" on our wedding day, I am throwing my wet shoes in your face! You better take that hmphhhfff out of there! HMPH!

Family

Posted by Tasha

Yesterday I met up with my cousin, Vlad, who I haven't seen in years and it was awesome! We had a couple drinks and caught up - there was a lot of catching up to do! I told him how I met Tigritza almost 4 years ago and how we're going to get married in a bit over 1 year. We talked about how awesome college was and how 'real-life' isn't nearly as fun. I can't remember when I saw him last - maybe 5 years? Anyway it was great.

I told him how our grandmother (Babushka A - my Mom's side) doesn't know that I'm gay (needless to say, she doesn't know that I'm engaged to my 'friend' Tigritza- who, by the way, she suggested would be a perfect match for my brother) Well at least we know she likes Tigritza... would make a good bride for my brother, so we can only assume - a good bride for me. My Babushka is very feisty. She is in constant arguments with her two children (my Mom and Vlad's Dad) because of her short temper and her tendencies of exaggerating her poor health. Understandably both my Mom and my Uncle tend to get very annoyed with her 'scenes' that she plays very well. So I tend to be really nice to her since she needs some tenderness (and I don't need to talk to her very often so I can be nice!) And as I found out, Vlad feels similarly. We talked a bit about whether or not I should tell Babushka that I'm marrying Tigritza especially since it feels like she deserves to be at her first grandchild's wedding. And I'm her only grand-daughter... My biggest concern is upsetting her and I honestly cannot gauge what kind of reaction I would get from her. I almost feel like she wouldn't get it. I'm afraid she won't be able to see that I'm really in love and that I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. She doesn't seem like a person who understands love or marrying for love - she almost comes across as a person who would marry for convenience or to please the public's opinion. She's tried to set me up with many boys and she never fails to bring up the fact that I'm almost 24 ("which is old for a single woman - I don't want to be an old maid, now do I?") ...

To broaden the scope of this problem, let me expand on the circumstances. My grandparents on my Dad's side know I'm with Tigritza and they are not pleased... I can see they nag my father about raising 'such a daughter - a lesbian ...' And I can see how they look at me - not sure if it's pity or disgust but to say the least, it makes me not want that kind of glance on my wedding day. Out of respect for my Dad I feel it is right to invite them to my wedding. I don't want to ever see that look on Babushka A's face. It would make me nervously laugh and say "JUST JOKING!" and pretend I never told her. My solution to this problem has been to just ignore it (not very effective, I know). Interestingly, my conversation with Vlad made me want to tell Babushka A - he said "I'd want her at my wedding and it's not fair that just because you're gay, you have to think about it." True, but I hate that she is very easily made upset and disappointed and like a child she can say "Fine, I won't be your friend," on the other hand, like a child I can bribe her with candy and other, more metaphorical, sweets - possibly coercing her into loving me and accepting my relationship. Still I know she'll say to my Mom "How can you let her...?" Just as she does when my Mom "lets me" travel or drive or come home late, etc. Although I'm old enough to be an old maid, I'm not old enough to make decisions.

And again, to make this more complicated (I did after all title this post "Family") there are so many extended family members who I would most likely invite to a straight wedding even though I don't know them very well just because my parents call them on their birthdays or on New Year's day to 'maintain' relationships. Marrying a woman makes this a bit more complicated.

What really makes me reconsider shutting out family for fear of disapproval is my children's future. Tigritza and I want our kids to have extended family. In part this is why meeting with Vlad made me so happy - I want his kids to play with mine. And if I don't give my extended family the chance of being a part of my life, I only have myself to blame when I feel 'left out'.

And ultimately, I'm not trying to hide my relationship from anyone, I just don't want people to feel sorry for my parents. After all - regardless of how liberal New York is, this is my Russian-Jewish family we're talking about and there's lots of Jewish guilt to be distributed.

I don't have a solution to all my concerns but it will definitely come up many times in our planning and in our lives. We will accept family that is happy for us - happy that we found love and happy that we are really happy. Regardless of who is on board with us, we know we have our immediate family - our parents and our siblings (who love us unconditionally, and it makes us so happy)- and soon enough we'll have our own family with little feet running around. I can't wait.