Thursday, January 19, 2012

From Fiancee to Wife

Posted by Tigritza

Happy New Year! As 2012 kicks in, it's strange to realize that for a full calendar year I've had the honor of calling Tasha my fiancee. But as wonderful as that's been, I'm really looking forward to leaving the word "fiancee" behind, come April.

So here are my Top 5 Things about switching from "Fiancee" to "Wife":

5. No More Incorrect Spelling! This is a huge pet peeve of mine. Things like "head over heals" or "your wonderful" have always sent a shiver down my spine. So the word "fiancee", which should actually have an acute accent over the first "e", is a distinct source of discomfort for me. It basically means that every time I type out the word, I get a little uneasy and a tiny bit stressed out. Dorky as it sounds (hey, I've got nothing to hide!) I'm literally excited about switching to the much simpler W-I-F-E.

4. No More Legal Justification (to the average person, anyway)! When people first find out my fiancee is a woman, I often get something along the lines of: *excited look* "that's great!" followed by *concerned look* "Oooh, so where are you guys going to do it? Isn't it not legal in pennsylvania? Are you going to do it in New York?"
--- Now before I complain about this, believe me, I'd much much rather have this reaction than the awkward or hostile reaction I may expect to get in some more homophobic parts of the country. People who ask me this are likely just curious, or want to show that they are well-informed and truly care about us and the legal issues we're facing. But man, it's frustrating! The more I try to explain the intricacies of the law - like why getting married in a particular state is irrelevant to us when federal recognition is still blocked by DOMA, or like which states can merely recognize vs. actually perform our marriage - the more I feel like I'm justifying to them why my marriage will still truly be a real marriage regardless of who recognizes it. I've begun just responding "yep, New York" to avoid saying anything more. I understand that the more I explain it, the more I'm spreading awareness, which is a good thing - but at this point I'm so excited for the question itself to just disappear. When I introduce my wife, there will be no such legal planning to explain. "Wife" means it's done. We're already married. And if I ever get the question "so where are you guys legally married?" I plan to respond - "everywhere". Our physical location will never define the status of our relationship. The only people who can define that - is us.

3. No More Gender Ambiguity! This may be a case of "be careful what you wish for." When we first got engaged, I was excited about this! I was sick of saying "girlfriend" and having people think I meant "friend who is a girl." The word fiancee, I thought, always meant fiancee: there was no longer any Relationship Ambiguity. And, even cooler, there was Gender Ambiguity. I could say "my fiancee", and let people make their own assumptions about my fiancee's gender. I felt a weird sense of freedom - after all, why should there be a need to share with a new acquaintance whether my fiancee was a man or a woman? Love is love. I get to say "fiancee", and people always know what I mean. BUT, as I soon discovered, Gender Ambiguity sucks. Nothing is more awkward than someone then saying to me "so your fiance - does he live in Philadelphia too?" At this point, I have two choices:
a) Ignore the mistake, push on. "Yes, SHE lives in Philadelphia" *insert painfully awkward moment when friend is embarrassed for having made the assumption*
or
b) Address the mistake. "Actually, my fiancee's a woman. Yes, she lives...etc" -- *between "woman" and "Yes", insert painfully awkward moment when friend is embarrassed for having made the assumption, and worse, their equally awkward "ah, that's nice" head nod of approval in response to my first sentence.*
Using the word "wife", I get to come out with explicit Relationship Non-Ambiguity and explicit Gender Non-Ambiguity at first mention of her existence! I mean, "wife" is pretty damn clear. Even I have trouble saying it! This is going to be fun. :)

2. No More Congratulations! This happens almost every time I meet someone new. And at business school, I meet someone new almost every day. We're having a regular conversation - maybe I'm talking about what I did that weekend - and I say something like "and on Sunday my fiancee and I went to..." Before I can get any further, the listener cuts me off "Oh, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!" I used to love this...back in December 2010, when we first got engaged. Now, it feels like getting a congratulations for an A+ in high school math. It happened sooo long ago!! And we were MID-conversation about something totally unrelated to my engagement or wedding. Worst of all are the unenthusiastic congratulators. It seems like they are as annoyed by it as I am, but they still say it. Why do people feel compelled to interrupt with "congratulations" when I say the word fiancee? Either way, I am excited to transition to "wife". Although, who knows what interruption-reactions that word will bring!

and the #1 thing about switching from Fiancee to Wife:
1. Tasha's finally gonna be my wife!!!!!!!