From Fiancee to Wife

Posted by Tigritza

Happy New Year! As 2012 kicks in, it's strange to realize that for a full calendar year I've had the honor of calling Tasha my fiancee. But as wonderful as that's been, I'm really looking forward to leaving the word "fiancee" behind, come April.

So here are my Top 5 Things about switching from "Fiancee" to "Wife":

5. No More Incorrect Spelling! This is a huge pet peeve of mine. Things like "head over heals" or "your wonderful" have always sent a shiver down my spine. So the word "fiancee", which should actually have an acute accent over the first "e", is a distinct source of discomfort for me. It basically means that every time I type out the word, I get a little uneasy and a tiny bit stressed out. Dorky as it sounds (hey, I've got nothing to hide!) I'm literally excited about switching to the much simpler W-I-F-E.

4. No More Legal Justification (to the average person, anyway)! When people first find out my fiancee is a woman, I often get something along the lines of: *excited look* "that's great!" followed by *concerned look* "Oooh, so where are you guys going to do it? Isn't it not legal in pennsylvania? Are you going to do it in New York?"
--- Now before I complain about this, believe me, I'd much much rather have this reaction than the awkward or hostile reaction I may expect to get in some more homophobic parts of the country. People who ask me this are likely just curious, or want to show that they are well-informed and truly care about us and the legal issues we're facing. But man, it's frustrating! The more I try to explain the intricacies of the law - like why getting married in a particular state is irrelevant to us when federal recognition is still blocked by DOMA, or like which states can merely recognize vs. actually perform our marriage - the more I feel like I'm justifying to them why my marriage will still truly be a real marriage regardless of who recognizes it. I've begun just responding "yep, New York" to avoid saying anything more. I understand that the more I explain it, the more I'm spreading awareness, which is a good thing - but at this point I'm so excited for the question itself to just disappear. When I introduce my wife, there will be no such legal planning to explain. "Wife" means it's done. We're already married. And if I ever get the question "so where are you guys legally married?" I plan to respond - "everywhere". Our physical location will never define the status of our relationship. The only people who can define that - is us.

3. No More Gender Ambiguity! This may be a case of "be careful what you wish for." When we first got engaged, I was excited about this! I was sick of saying "girlfriend" and having people think I meant "friend who is a girl." The word fiancee, I thought, always meant fiancee: there was no longer any Relationship Ambiguity. And, even cooler, there was Gender Ambiguity. I could say "my fiancee", and let people make their own assumptions about my fiancee's gender. I felt a weird sense of freedom - after all, why should there be a need to share with a new acquaintance whether my fiancee was a man or a woman? Love is love. I get to say "fiancee", and people always know what I mean. BUT, as I soon discovered, Gender Ambiguity sucks. Nothing is more awkward than someone then saying to me "so your fiance - does he live in Philadelphia too?" At this point, I have two choices:

a) Ignore the mistake, push on. "Yes, SHE lives in Philadelphia" *insert painfully awkward moment when friend is embarrassed for having made the assumption*

or

b) Address the mistake. "Actually, my fiancee's a woman. Yes, she lives...etc" -- *between "woman" and "Yes", insert painfully awkward moment when friend is embarrassed for having made the assumption, and worse, their equally awkward "ah, that's nice" head nod of approval in response to my first sentence.*

Using the word "wife", I get to come out with explicit Relationship Non-Ambiguity and explicit Gender Non-Ambiguity at first mention of her existence! I mean, "wife" is pretty damn clear. Even I have trouble saying it! This is going to be fun. :)

2. No More Congratulations! This happens almost every time I meet someone new. And at business school, I meet someone new almost every day. We're having a regular conversation - maybe I'm talking about what I did that weekend - and I say something like "and on Sunday my fiancee and I went to..." Before I can get any further, the listener cuts me off "Oh, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!" I used to love this...back in December 2010, when we first got engaged. Now, it feels like getting a congratulations for an A+ in high school math. It happened sooo long ago!! And we were MID-conversation about something totally unrelated to my engagement or wedding. Worst of all are the unenthusiastic congratulators. It seems like they are as annoyed by it as I am, but they still say it. Why do people feel compelled to interrupt with "congratulations" when I say the word fiancee? Either way, I am excited to transition to "wife". Although, who knows what interruption-reactions that word will bring!

and the #1 thing about switching from Fiancee to Wife:

1. Tasha's finally gonna be my wife!!!!!!!

Family

Posted by Tasha

Yesterday I met up with my cousin, Vlad, who I haven't seen in years and it was awesome! We had a couple drinks and caught up - there was a lot of catching up to do! I told him how I met Tigritza almost 4 years ago and how we're going to get married in a bit over 1 year. We talked about how awesome college was and how 'real-life' isn't nearly as fun. I can't remember when I saw him last - maybe 5 years? Anyway it was great.

I told him how our grandmother (Babushka A - my Mom's side) doesn't know that I'm gay (needless to say, she doesn't know that I'm engaged to my 'friend' Tigritza- who, by the way, she suggested would be a perfect match for my brother) Well at least we know she likes Tigritza... would make a good bride for my brother, so we can only assume - a good bride for me. My Babushka is very feisty. She is in constant arguments with her two children (my Mom and Vlad's Dad) because of her short temper and her tendencies of exaggerating her poor health. Understandably both my Mom and my Uncle tend to get very annoyed with her 'scenes' that she plays very well. So I tend to be really nice to her since she needs some tenderness (and I don't need to talk to her very often so I can be nice!) And as I found out, Vlad feels similarly. We talked a bit about whether or not I should tell Babushka that I'm marrying Tigritza especially since it feels like she deserves to be at her first grandchild's wedding. And I'm her only grand-daughter... My biggest concern is upsetting her and I honestly cannot gauge what kind of reaction I would get from her. I almost feel like she wouldn't get it. I'm afraid she won't be able to see that I'm really in love and that I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. She doesn't seem like a person who understands love or marrying for love - she almost comes across as a person who would marry for convenience or to please the public's opinion. She's tried to set me up with many boys and she never fails to bring up the fact that I'm almost 24 ("which is old for a single woman - I don't want to be an old maid, now do I?") ...

To broaden the scope of this problem, let me expand on the circumstances. My grandparents on my Dad's side know I'm with Tigritza and they are not pleased... I can see they nag my father about raising 'such a daughter - a lesbian ...' And I can see how they look at me - not sure if it's pity or disgust but to say the least, it makes me not want that kind of glance on my wedding day. Out of respect for my Dad I feel it is right to invite them to my wedding. I don't want to ever see that look on Babushka A's face. It would make me nervously laugh and say "JUST JOKING!" and pretend I never told her. My solution to this problem has been to just ignore it (not very effective, I know). Interestingly, my conversation with Vlad made me want to tell Babushka A - he said "I'd want her at my wedding and it's not fair that just because you're gay, you have to think about it." True, but I hate that she is very easily made upset and disappointed and like a child she can say "Fine, I won't be your friend," on the other hand, like a child I can bribe her with candy and other, more metaphorical, sweets - possibly coercing her into loving me and accepting my relationship. Still I know she'll say to my Mom "How can you let her...?" Just as she does when my Mom "lets me" travel or drive or come home late, etc. Although I'm old enough to be an old maid, I'm not old enough to make decisions.

And again, to make this more complicated (I did after all title this post "Family") there are so many extended family members who I would most likely invite to a straight wedding even though I don't know them very well just because my parents call them on their birthdays or on New Year's day to 'maintain' relationships. Marrying a woman makes this a bit more complicated.

What really makes me reconsider shutting out family for fear of disapproval is my children's future. Tigritza and I want our kids to have extended family. In part this is why meeting with Vlad made me so happy - I want his kids to play with mine. And if I don't give my extended family the chance of being a part of my life, I only have myself to blame when I feel 'left out'.

And ultimately, I'm not trying to hide my relationship from anyone, I just don't want people to feel sorry for my parents. After all - regardless of how liberal New York is, this is my Russian-Jewish family we're talking about and there's lots of Jewish guilt to be distributed.

I don't have a solution to all my concerns but it will definitely come up many times in our planning and in our lives. We will accept family that is happy for us - happy that we found love and happy that we are really happy. Regardless of who is on board with us, we know we have our immediate family - our parents and our siblings (who love us unconditionally, and it makes us so happy)- and soon enough we'll have our own family with little feet running around. I can't wait.

WHY is this still an issue?

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